Eight Brothers Walk Into a Bar…

Confessing that I’m writing this while sitting in a meeting. :)

I obviously don’t have a rit book in front of me, so I can’t tell if what I’m remembering is something everybody says, or just my chapter. But I distinctly remember standing there swearing an oath to be my Brother’s keeper. I also remembering wondering how many people actually heard what they were swearing, and whether they’d remember it. (Do you ever wish we were given print-outs of the oaths to post on our bulletin boards or mirrors so that we’d be daily reminded of what we’d promised before God to do?)

Being your Brother’s keeper is hard – being ANYONE’S keeper is hard. It’s hard enough looking out for ourselves without taking on the responsibility of another person’s welfare – especially when that person is just a casual friend – especially when that person resists or resents the help. When someone is determined to self-destruct, there’s a lot of steam behind that determination. How are we mere, concerned mortals to stand in the way?

I guess we’ve all had Brothers who were doing drugs, or drinking too much, skipping too many classes, choosing destructive relationships, you name it. The Brother you describe, Jennai, was obviously in a lot of trouble – and was causing a lot of trouble. When personal bad habits put a person into such a bad place that they’re willing to steal from their friends to support the habits, then things have gone very far indeed.

Too far, I suspect, for any of their peers to follow.

Unless (and perhaps even if) you are a close personal friend of the Brother in question, there is probably little you can do to sway him from this self-destructive path. A real counselor would probably say that you should do “what you can do” and what you need to do for yourself: say something, tell your Brother you’re worried and that you want to help him, and do what you need to do so that you can say to yourself that you did all you could. Remember that there are a lot of victims here – not just the imploding Brother or the Brothers being stolen from. That Brother’s friends and loved ones are being victimized too.

What we don’t know about the Brother in question is how far gone he is, how he may react if confronted. Under the influence of controlled substances, people can react very unpredictably. Be careful, and be safe, if you must confront the Brother yourself.

A better option might be to think in terms of an actual intervention. Rather than put yourself in the vulnerable position of being the only person to confront the Brother (it’s easier to blow off one person, for one thing) you might collaborate with other people in the chapter to sit the Brother down and let him know that there’s a problem, that you’re worried, and that you want to help him get his life straightened out. There are some pretty good resources online; this one isn’t bad, particularly when you read the “suggested reading.” Of course, the most important part is probably the whole “consult with a professional” bit….

Frankly, I think this is probably not a job for anyone in the chapter, Jennai. I mean, there are a lot of things you can do, but should you? Will they do any good, or will they do more harm? There’s a certain moral responsibility in that you should do all that you can, but ultimately… I think this is one of those opportunities where you really need to be talking to the advisor and leaving it in his or her hands. Adult intervention is really the responsible answer, in my opinion, and the most likely to actually do some real good. An advisor has resources that chapter members lack – like the ability to connect the Brother with campus counseling services, even involuntarily.

As far as the moral responsibility thing goes, look – sometimes the most we can do is care, so deeply that years later it still haunts us. No matter how hard we try, we can’t save everyone - in every aspect of our lives, not just the fraternity. :(

Ok, so time for me to throw in something controversial and different.

What do you do, when a brother needs help?

“But Jennai Ell”, you say, “that’s not very controversial!”

“Ah”, says I – “but it is…”

Say that brother is in an abusive relationship. Say they’re addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or cutting. Say they’re stealing from brothers, to support a habit. Say they’re suicidal.

Say you’ve already tried suggesting therapy – and they’ve told you on no uncertain terms that there’s nothing wrong, that they’re fine, to leave them alone…

Now say they’re doing this self-destructiveness in front of the bands members. In the witness of brothers. Say they’re embarassing the chapter, the band, the school.

Now, what do you do?

(edit and clarification – yes, I have had a brother in this situation.  It haunts me to this day, whichis why I ask)