Brother’s Keeper? September 11, 2007
Posted by Turf Herder in Brotherhood, Chapter Issues, Controlled Substances, Kappa Kappa Psi.add a comment
Confessing that I’m writing this while sitting in a meeting. :)
I obviously don’t have a rit book in front of me, so I can’t tell if what I’m remembering is something everybody says, or just my chapter. But I distinctly remember standing there swearing an oath to be my Brother’s keeper. I also remembering wondering how many people actually heard what they were swearing, and whether they’d remember it. (Do you ever wish we were given print-outs of the oaths to post on our bulletin boards or mirrors so that we’d be daily reminded of what we’d promised before God to do?)
Being your Brother’s keeper is hard – being ANYONE’S keeper is hard. It’s hard enough looking out for ourselves without taking on the responsibility of another person’s welfare – especially when that person is just a casual friend – especially when that person resists or resents the help. When someone is determined to self-destruct, there’s a lot of steam behind that determination. How are we mere, concerned mortals to stand in the way?
I guess we’ve all had Brothers who were doing drugs, or drinking too much, skipping too many classes, choosing destructive relationships, you name it. The Brother you describe, Jennai, was obviously in a lot of trouble – and was causing a lot of trouble. When personal bad habits put a person into such a bad place that they’re willing to steal from their friends to support the habits, then things have gone very far indeed.
Too far, I suspect, for any of their peers to follow.
Unless (and perhaps even if) you are a close personal friend of the Brother in question, there is probably little you can do to sway him from this self-destructive path. A real counselor would probably say that you should do “what you can do” and what you need to do for yourself: say something, tell your Brother you’re worried and that you want to help him, and do what you need to do so that you can say to yourself that you did all you could. Remember that there are a lot of victims here – not just the imploding Brother or the Brothers being stolen from. That Brother’s friends and loved ones are being victimized too.
What we don’t know about the Brother in question is how far gone he is, how he may react if confronted. Under the influence of controlled substances, people can react very unpredictably. Be careful, and be safe, if you must confront the Brother yourself.
A better option might be to think in terms of an actual intervention. Rather than put yourself in the vulnerable position of being the only person to confront the Brother (it’s easier to blow off one person, for one thing) you might collaborate with other people in the chapter to sit the Brother down and let him know that there’s a problem, that you’re worried, and that you want to help him get his life straightened out. There are some pretty good resources online; this one isn’t bad, particularly when you read the “suggested reading.” Of course, the most important part is probably the whole “consult with a professional” bit….
Frankly, I think this is probably not a job for anyone in the chapter, Jennai. I mean, there are a lot of things you can do, but should you? Will they do any good, or will they do more harm? There’s a certain moral responsibility in that you should do all that you can, but ultimately… I think this is one of those opportunities where you really need to be talking to the advisor and leaving it in his or her hands. Adult intervention is really the responsible answer, in my opinion, and the most likely to actually do some real good. An advisor has resources that chapter members lack – like the ability to connect the Brother with campus counseling services, even involuntarily.
As far as the moral responsibility thing goes, look – sometimes the most we can do is care, so deeply that years later it still haunts us. No matter how hard we try, we can’t save everyone - in every aspect of our lives, not just the fraternity. :(
brothers in trouble September 7, 2007
Posted by Jennai Ell in Brotherhood, Chapter Issues, Controlled Substances, Kappa Kappa Psi.add a comment
Ok, so time for me to throw in something controversial and different.
What do you do, when a brother needs help?
“But Jennai Ell”, you say, “that’s not very controversial!”
“Ah”, says I – “but it is…”
Say that brother is in an abusive relationship. Say they’re addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or cutting. Say they’re stealing from brothers, to support a habit. Say they’re suicidal.
Say you’ve already tried suggesting therapy – and they’ve told you on no uncertain terms that there’s nothing wrong, that they’re fine, to leave them alone…
Now say they’re doing this self-destructiveness in front of the bands members. In the witness of brothers. Say they’re embarassing the chapter, the band, the school.
Now, what do you do?
(edit and clarification – yes, I have had a brother in this situation. It haunts me to this day, whichis why I ask)
Change while active August 22, 2007
Posted by Jennai Ell in Alumni Affairs, Brotherhood, Chapter Issues, Kappa Kappa Psi.add a comment
Sorry – I read it as after we leave, because while we’re still there, well, that’s part of membership ed, so far as I’m concerned. Getting the feet wet so that prospectives can figure out what they like/dislike/are good at doing. Delegating to see what they can do, etc while the older brothers are still watching over their shoulders to make sure that they understand reasons and history and all the rest.
However…Turf Herder’s list?
- The Old violently resists change and makes the New feel unwelcome and thwarted.
- The New disrespects what has been and makes the Old feel defensive.
- Someone with a really bad, pushy attitude and drastically different priorities comes in and bulldozes their way through the chapter with no regard for peoples’ feelings, focused only on their own agenda.
Been there, done that, got a COUPLE shirts.
1 and 2 lead into a nasty feedback cycle. Which, IMHO, leads to some of the problems alumni have when we leave – because the newer brothers do a bit of “whew, they’re FINALLY gone, so we can do what we want now”. I think if they have better supervision when they’re new (NOT micromanaging) that they get a chance to really understand and respect the brother who came before – which tends to make this less of a problem. They feel trusted by the older brothers, and the older brothers learn to trust that the “new kids” aren’t gonna kill their chapter. I’ve only ever seen it *really* work that way once or twice though…it involves a LOT of preparation and open minds on the active chapter side, when bringing in prospectives.
And then there’s 3. This one hurts a place in my heart that never does seem to heal. When I think about the vision set forth by the founding brothers…and see someone pulling political BS? It makes me want to run screaming, to hide in a country that’s never heard of KKPsi, to give up all hope for the future of the organization. A couple years ago, there was a brother who aired all the political “dirty laundry” – and it made me sick to read it – because those stories should not represent who or what WE are.
I think that good brothers will hold to a chapter somehow and that weaker ones will “weed themselves out” at some point. But how does a chapter figure out who the political ones are, before it’s too late?
Family Ties August 21, 2007
Posted by Turf Herder in Brotherhood, Fraternal Families, Kappa Kappa Psi.1 comment so far
One of my favorite things about being in a fraternity is the Family aspect – Big Brothers and Little Brothers, lines, family trees. It’s the list-o-holic and casual historian in me; I just love drawing out family trees, seeing how the generations spread out, stepping back into the past through a branching line of Brothers. I love the process of pairing Big Brothers and Little Brothers, trying to make the best possible matches so that both parties will grow and learn. It is just such an utterly fascinating process to me.
I never have come up with a good answer as to when Big Brothers ought to be revealed, or how they ought to be paired. I come up with one plan that seems good to me, and then I get persuaded that another way might be just as good or better. Thinking about it, it seems like there’s a fairly limited number of ways to go about the entire process.
Step One: Partnering Up
Method A: Random Drawing. I’m sure some chapters must pair up their Bigs/Littles via random lottery. My kneejerk reaction is that this can’t be a particularly good way to go about it – after all, shouldn’t some thought go into personality conflict, chemistry, etc.? Then again, through this method, no one has to be last pick, no one is responsible for a poor partnering.
Method B: VP Choice. The VP sits down with a list of Bigs and Littles and decides who would make good pairings. This method – using input from the Big Brothers – was a favorite when I was VP, but not so much when I wasn’t. I guess if you have a VP you know you can trust, it’s great – but if you’re on bad terms with your VP, not so much?
Method C: Big Brother Choice. Big Brothers are ranked in some way, and then get to pick their Little Brother, kind of like picking teams for kickball. You can rank by lottery or by a set of criteria. This leaves the responsibility of a good (or bad) choice up to the Big, but also may create a morale problem for the last one to choose – and the last one chosen, should word ever get out (which it is bound to do). It occurs to me that if each Big chose in a private conference with the VP, only the last few people would know who the last choice was, rather than the whole chapter.
Method D: Collaborative Choice. The Little Brothers get to weigh in on who they prefer, the Big Brothers get to weigh in on who they prefer, and then somehow – through something like Method B or Method C – you try to come up with pairings that reflect those preferences. Good because the Littles get some say in their fate, but hurtful to anyone who discovers that no one wants them for a Big.
Method E: Little Brother Choice. Does anyone do this? I’d be interested to hear how that works if so.
Method F: ??? What am I missing? Does anyone know of a different way this is done?
Step Two: When to Reveal
Method A: Immediate. As soon as Bigs/Littles are assigned, the Bigs go to their Littles, introduce themselves, and welcome them into the family. It’s an immediate partnership so they can skip the “secret Santa” part and get straight to the mentoring.
Method B: Whenever You Want. The Big can choose to reveal immediately, or can withhold identity up until Third Degree. Seems like this might be messy, and that people might get ID’ed out of a process of elimination…
Method C: By Second Degree. The chapter sets an arbitrary date – maybe Second Degree – for a “Reveal Ceremony” wherein each Little is formally and publicly introduced to her Big Brother and welcomed into the family. This can be fun (popping balloons with slips of paper inside) or solemn (candle lightings). This allows time for “secret Santa” and time for mentoring before Third.
Method D: At Third Degree. Each Big Brother pins his Little Brother and reveals himself.
Method E: ??? What am I missing? Does anyone know of a different way this is done?
I think one important thing to acknowledge is that the Big Brother/Little Brother relationship is hopefully something that will be very valuable to both members, but that it’s essentially arbitrary. When I think about the Brothers who felt like Big Brothers to me throughout my early years in KKPsi, I’m afraid I don’t think much about my real Big. There are four people who come to mind, one of whom was in Louisiana, and two of the others were in the WD but different states than I. I liked my Big a lot, but we didn’t really bond. It’s important for the chapter to understand that they are all their Brothers’ keepers, and that each of them – active, conditional, alumni – are in a position where they may be a practical “Big Brother” for a new member. We can’t anticipate where chemistry is going to spark…
Plan and Pay Attention August 18, 2007
Posted by Euclid's Dog in Brotherhood, Fraternal Families, Kappa Kappa Psi, Recruitment, Retention & Attrition.add a comment
Hello hornstothebox.
How can a VP motivate and help the chapter to do a better job of recruiting and retaining members?
In my mind, recruitment/retention problems only really spring up when the President and Vice President just kind of stumble through the year. If they have a plan and are actively thinking about such things, they rarely become a problem. I don’t know if that’s because the plans are good or if, because they’re thinking about it, they notice the small stuff before it festers. I’ve also found that people, including chapters, can be motivated simply by telling them what you want them to do, why, and periodically telling them that they did a good job.
I would imagine that for most chapters recruitment starts at band camp. So, if I were VP, I’d have a pre-band camp meeting where we decided what to wear each day, developed ideas for posters or other recruitment paperwork, and tried to generate good ideas from the rest of the chapter. Once band camp started I’d meet with the chapter for 5 minutes after camp each day. I’d ask for names of people they thought would be good brothers. I’d remind them what we were wearing tomorrow, and I’d tell them they did a really good job today and to keep up the good work.
During rush I’d try to create events that the chapter already likes to do. Your chapter like BBQ’s, then hold a rush BBQ. If the actives want to be there they will be (and they’ll be happy about it). After each event, meet with the actives, make sure that you’re inviting the people you’re after, ask if new people should be added to the list, and tell them it went well.
Retention. Retention is hard for a VP to orchestrate. In fact, beyond that first prospective year, I’d say retention was more of a President’s job. If the President keeps meetings moving along and schedules enough fun chapter activities most won’t want to quit (if they leave school or have time commitment problems there’s not much YOU can do about that).
Retention for prospectives involves making them feel wanted. If your education meetings aren’t during chapter meetings, have actives show up (even if they’re not doing anything). Have their big brothers send them a note a week (or maybe a small gift, like a candy bar). Reveal big brothers early! Seriously a big brother, family traditions, etc… can go a long way towards making a prospective feel like they’re part of the chapter. Make sure prospectives feel like they’re accomplishing something. Have them organize and implement a class service project, fundraiser, social event, etc…
To sum up, the VP should have a plan for recruitment and everyone should know what that plan is. The actives should feel as if they have a role to play in forming that plan as well as implementation and they should be thanked for their efforts frequently. For prospective retention, do whatever you can to make prospectives feel like they’re part of the chapter. For active retention, do whatever you can to make sure the chapter is an enjoyable group to be part of.
Straight Talk About Quality August 16, 2007
Posted by Turf Herder in Brotherhood, Kappa Kappa Psi, Recruitment.add a comment
I wish it was possible to identify quality. I mean, sure – there’s kids that show up on the first day of band camp, and you just KNOW. I think back to the classes I had any part in, and can think of 3-4 of those people. Of those people, all but one were persuaded to join – and I still wonder where we went wrong in recruiting the last, because he would have been one helluva Brother…
Most of the time, you can’t tell. Some people have better Bro-dar than others, I guess, and those are probably the people who turn out to be awesome recruiters. But there’s no Sorting Hat for band members, not that I know of. You just have to hope that you’re not missing a diamond in the rough, hope that you’re not being mislead and distracted by shiny objects. (I’m talking about active recruitment at this point, of course, as well as the gentle persuasion of people that leads to what appears to be passive recruitment.)
I wish there was a way to tell which person will eventually run for Chapter President because he’s power-hungry, selfish, and arrogant. I wish there was a way to tell which person would singlehandedly turn the chapter around and turn it from a “band club” into a real honorary organization. I wish there was a way to look at the 18-year-olds out there and tell which one was going to grow up to be one of the names we read in our Membership Education books – a National Officer, a major award winner, a Trustee. I REALLY wish there was a way to tell which one was going to let you put him through Third Degree, give him all the most sacred parts of our organization, and then quit the next week so that he can go around the music department making fun of you and telling lies to potential recruits.
Quality is such a nebulous thing, though. After all, what makes a good Brother?
Euclid’s Dog mentioned something about how her proudest moments were in welcoming less popular or likely people into the chapter. I have a short list of golden moments from my active membership, and this is one of them:
The chapter was sitting in an over-long meeting, discussing the bid nominees. Most of the people who had interviewed went through their first vote without a hitch, until finally there were only two recruits left. The first was “Hank” and the second was “Gina,” and the chapter wasn’t sure if they wanted to extend them bids. Hank wasn’t much of a musician – in fact, it was his first year in band, although he’d taken private lessons for over a year to catch up to speed. He was the kind of guy who wanted to be friends with everyone, but who unfortunately seemed to rub everyone the wrong way. Hank was always full of questions, full of enthusiasm, full of love – absolutely a quintessential Brother, except that he was “annoying.” Gina had a bad case of the nerds, was a lackluster marcher and an indifferent musician, and was just plain “weird” – of course, she was also exceptionally pleasant, funny, eager to learn, and willing to try.
I’m sure the nay-voters that evening weren’t thinking about the discriminatory aspects of the situation, which I won’t go into here. They just didn’t feel that Hank and Gina were a good fit for the chapter. Of course, once I pressed the issue, they had to admit that the reason Hank & Gina would be poor fits wasn’t a fear of disruption, bad attitudes, negative reputation, likelihood of drop-out, or anything like that. No – they would be bad fits because they were annoying and weird.
As I remember, I wasn’t the only person who stood up for Hank and Gina, but I guess I was the loudest. I was just so ashamed at my chapter, at my Brothers, for failing to get outside their comfort zone and recognize that Gina and Hank were IDEAL Brothers in almost every way. Sure, they weren’t likely to be the biggest official leaders in the band – but their enthusiasm and good attitudes were so infectious that they became de facto leaders. And as it turns out, neither Hank nor Gina ended up staying active for very long; Hank graduated that year, and Gina transfered to another school before the next fall. But when I think about the people who had the spirit of Kappa Kappa Psi, the spirit of Brotherhood, I think of Hank and Gina – and I just feel sick to my stomach, that we ever had a conversation where we officially considered rejecting them.
That’s the danger in focusing too closely on quality – you run the risk of doing something dreadfully wrong by excluding someone. You have to ask yourself two questions when you’re looking at a candidate, just like Jennai Ell said:
- Will this person be good for the chapter?
- Will the chaper be good for this person?
If the answer to either is no, then you should tread carefully. But if the answer to the first is maybe not, and the answer to the second is yes, I think maybe you should weigh that second question more heavily. The bond we have through KKPsi can do a helluva lot of good in a person’s life, and if it does the chapter no real harm, who are we to deny that person that opportunity?
Oh, Hell… August 15, 2007
Posted by Pepper in Brotherhood, Kappa Kappa Psi, Recruitment.add a comment
Man, if you could only talk to me from when I was a freshman, and ask me if I’d ever join a Greek organization. If Freshman Pepper knew that I’d be sitting here, nearly a decade later, STILL wearing Greek letters on my chest – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha *snort* ha ha ha *gasp*
Excuse me, I think I’m going to go cry now. :)
There’s something weird about KKPsi, something different. There’s no way I could feel this way about a normal frat, and I’m in other so-called professional organizations, and I’m damned sure that I don’t feel this way about them.
If you want to be a good veep, if you want to recruit a good chapter, then you have to do four things:
- Honestly love your chapter – all of it – even the people you don’t personally like.
- Live the ideals that your chapter cares about. If you have a service-based chapter you had damned well better be working yourselves to the bone during band camp, rehearsals, rush week, whatever. If you look lazy and sour attitudes, you’ll recruit lazy and sour attitudes.
- Smile, and honestly care about all the possible recruits – as people AND as band members.
- Be sincere and honest and know what you’re talking about.
